I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize