I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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