Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
