Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
i out mim tonsoeep
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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