There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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