I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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