I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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