I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
