a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
