if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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