with your own penis?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
