I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
