She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
