saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
