We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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