Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
