Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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