there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
