you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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