I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
