I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
