I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
