i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
she peed on how many people?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
