1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
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