i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
