the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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