I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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