I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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