how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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