I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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