Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
