i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
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