# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
