is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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