So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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