I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize