i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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