my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
