Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
