I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
