So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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