Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I supernannyed him into submission
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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