Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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