I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
