in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
