so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
