apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize