They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
