enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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