Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
