Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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