1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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