Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
