I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize