If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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