Heybabeimwearingurpanties
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
