Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
