Swine flu. Run for my life!
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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