after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize