just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
