I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
