He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
